Who Is Your Old Testament Twin?

9 Questions

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Who Is Your Old Testament Twin?

A talking donkey, naked revelers, slipping a roofie to your unsuspecting father: the Old Testament has it all! In fact, it would probably be best viewed from a seedy hotel off Route 85 or at a frat party. Do you ever wonder what your life would be like in ancient Israel? Would you be King David? Or Moses? Or even Jezebel? Take this quiz to discover your biblical alter ego? Best viewed in anything besides Firefox. In the case that nothing applies to you, please choose the one you like the best. This quiz is not intended to produce a complete psychological profile. By: Jill M. Wagner


Questions and Answers
  • 1. 
    My theme song is...
    • A. 

      “I Would Walk 500 Miles” by the Proclaimers

    • B. 

      “It Will Rain” by Bruno Mars

    • C. 

      “Every Breath You Take” by the Police (I’ll be watching you!”)

    • D. 

      “Mo Money, Mo Problems” by Notorious B.I.G.

    • E. 

      “Cold Hearted Snake” by Paula Abdul

    • F. 

      “I Feel Pretty!” from West Side Story

    • G. 

      “Only Girl in the World” by Rihanna

    • H. 

      "Poison Ivy" by the Jonas Brothers

  • 2. 
    In high school I...
    • A. 

      Was kind of on the wrong path, until that fateful day when a renegade roman candle hit my mother’s lilac bush.

    • B. 

      I’m going to give it to you straight-I was pretty unpopular. My penchant for passing out Bible tracts led to an overnight stay in a gym locker.

    • C. 

      Pretty much kept to myself until Biff the Bully tried to mess with me and I destroyed him. After that, I became so popular that I was unanimously voted Student Body President.

    • D. 

      Valedictorian with a weakness for foreign exchange students.

    • E. 

      President of Future Farmers of America

    • F. 

      Royalty for both Homecoming and Prom. My parents weren’t very enthusiastic when I started dating an atheist.

    • G. 

      My parents actually homeschooled me in the garden behind our house.

    • H. 

      Every girl wanted to be me, every guy wanted to be with me. Once I got a teacher to change my grade from a C+ to an A by simply lifting an eyebrow.

  • 3. 
    Every Christmas I want to re-gift…
    • A. 

      This tacky cow statue my older brother got me from Chicago.

    • B. 

      Skunks. What was I thinking?

    • C. 

      Can’t think of anything I’ve received, but I have made some pretty questionable decisions as a giver (1 Samuel 18:27)

    • D. 

      Wife #592 from Assyria. Total butterface.

    • E. 

      George Foreman Grill

    • F. 

      Purim (Jewish holiday that even the most religious Jews celebrate by getting wasted and gallivanting around in gaudy costumes, often glittery pimp suits)

    • G. 

      Holiday fruit basket. It was funny the first time, guys…

    • H. 

      Golden retriever that my in-laws gave us. Gross!

  • 4. 
    People are way too hard on...
    • A. 

      Charlton Heston

    • B. 

      PETA

    • C. 

      The parents on "Super Nanny"

    • D. 

      Hugh Hefner

    • E. 

      Big Foot

    • F. 

      Pageant contestants. It is actually a scholarship program

    • G. 

      Me

    • H. 

      Regina George from "Mean Girls." Sister knew what she was doing.

  • 5. 
    The bumper sticker on my car says…
    • A. 

      End Human Trafficking

    • B. 

      Animal Rescue League

    • C. 

      Jerusalem Will Never Again Be Divided

    • D. 

      P is for Playa

    • E. 

      Beef: It’s What’s Rotting in Your Colon

    • F. 

      Jewish American Princess

    • G. 

      Help Airport Security: Fly Naked!

    • H. 

      I'm Not A B*tch, I'm THE B*tch

  • 6. 
    School bullies always dissed me because…
    • A. 

      I kind of have a lisp.

    • B. 

      I tried to help by informing them that they needed to repent or risk hellfire.

    • C. 

      My sheep won 4-H every year.

    • D. 

      I could do Calculus in third grade.

    • E. 

      I brought a quinoa salad in my lunch instead of ham and cheese

    • F. 

      There weren’t very many people of my religion at my school.

    • G. 

      I was so naïve.

    • H. 

      As if.

  • 7. 
    On a weekend, you can find me…
    • A. 

      Blisfully strolling through the mountains. You never know who you will run into!

    • B. 

      Bar hopping-sometimes I have to trace my steps on Facebook to remember exactly what happened

    • C. 

      I bring my guitar to every house party and soulfully strum “Wonderwall.” I hate to brag, but I'm an institution in the local poetry scene.

    • D. 

      Decimating the competition and attracting hotties at a pub quiz

    • E. 

      Playing Mortal Kombat with my little brother

    • F. 

      Millionaire matchmaker dates

    • G. 

      Petting zoo, for old time's sake

    • H. 

      MAKEOVERS!

  • 8. 
    If I had to describe my family, I would say…
    • A. 

      I guess you could call it a gilded foster care type situation

    • B. 

      We’re a little too close-knit at this point

    • C. 

      Have you ever been tempted to send your feuding children to one of those wilderness discipline boot camps? You know, the ones on the Maury show when the kids come back and give their mom a rose? That sums it up

    • D. 

      Big enough to have representation in Congress.

    • E. 

      We spend more time together than most families, which is cool, but my snot-nosed little brother is kind of a suck up.

    • F. 

      It is just me, my sugar daddy, my older cousin and some eunuchs

    • G. 

      I have a good relationship with my father, but I’m not really supposed to talk to my mother

    • H. 

      Let's just say that there isn't really any question as to who wears the pants.

  • 9. 
    My seduction style...
    • A. 

      I have a bunch of my buddies approach a group of girls and act like total jerks. Then, I enter the scene and pretend to save the ladies from their clutches. After that, I pick the best looking one and go for it.

    • B. 

      I don’t know if I would call myself a seducer, but I’m kind of an exhibitionist. Does that count?

    • C. 

      Pity the fool who gets between me and the object of my affection.

    • D. 

      Pretty simple actually. I roll up in my party limo, a harem of girls gets in and we all go back to my place.

    • E. 

      Not sharing my secrets, but I will say that you know that you have been successful when you bring your lover home and everyone asks, “Where the heck did he find her/him?”

    • F. 

      You don’t really need a seduction strategy if you are the finest piece of eye candy on this side of the Tigris

    • G. 

      I like to call it isolation game; I just make sure that I am the only possible option. No one can resist that.

    • H. 

      Hone in on the most powerful man that I can find and entrance him into becoming my puppet