The original Doyle Owl
A British sports car
A time capsule to be opened in the year 2412
Another, smaller library
Divestment from South Africa
A black studies program at Reed
The release of Mumia Abu-Jamal
The head of Alfredo Garcia and a cup of hot fat
Dean of Men
Dean of Women
Dean of Discipline
Master of Reality
Operating Thetan Level IV
Prof. Nite E. Nite’s Lullabies of Somnolence
Shareholders’ Prospectus for the Maersk Corporation
Would you count the smiles of a child, or the stars in the sky? (Never mind, you probably would.)
23 plus or minus 11
“As a sofomore, I sailed the ilands in a frater, pitching my hammoc in a gally filled with rifraf and crums.”
“Az a sofmor, I saled the ilunds in a frater, piching mi hammuk in a galy fillt with riffraf and krums.”
“As a semaphore, I scaled the elands with a waiter, prancing the hummocks in a gay kilt of gutta-percha and linsey-woolsey.”
“Faw-fa faw-haw-haw, faw-fa-faw-haw, FAW-FA-HAW-FAW, ha-fawwww.”
Financial aid for students who otherwise could not afford tuition
Resources for student and faculty researchers, who might otherwise become obsessed with transmuting lead into gold
Counseling for students, who might otherwise go mad with insomnia and vertiginous dialectic
Maintenance of the canyon, which would otherwise degenerate into a morass of invasive species and bitter, alcoholic ducks
All of the above
The Learned Owl
The Always-Industrious Beaver
The Griffin, because Reed sports victories also don't actually exist
The Red-Crested Grind
The Fruit Bat of Futility
“Thank you for your support.”
“Your gift makes the difference.”
“History will be kind to Reed, for Reed intends to write it.”
“That education is best which educates least.”
“We can’t stop here; this is bat country.”
Made original “I can has cheezburger” meme
Only living person who has never been rickrolled
Coauthored Norton Utilities software
Made the now-famous observation that computer processing power doubles every 24 months
Along with twin brother Livingstone Moore, originated a knockabout cross-talk act that would win the faculty talent show 19 years running
Refused to answer questions from the House Un-American Activities Committee.
Made a contribution to the field of relative quantities—which had previously been restricted to “less” and “the same amount”—that now bears a modified version of his name
Soared to a commanding two-and-a-half-length victory in the Belmont Stakes
A jolly penny-farthing-bicycle joust
A gripping round of tug-of-war across the canyon
A bracing spot of handlebar-moustache fencing
A moving “Save the Quagga” rally
A rousing game of pin the tail on the Kaiser
Minority student representation
Reed’s administrative staff
New Women’s Dorm
New Men’s Dorm
Old Men’s Dorm
Moved the deadline to noon; it had originally been 8 a.m.
Instituted the highly motivational policy of burning latecomers at the stake
Unplugged the clock in the registrar’s office at 11:59 a.m.
Rode a braying ass around Old Dorm Block at dawn on the fateful day, banging dustbin lids together and shouting, “Wakey-wakey, ye scurvy dogs”
The Maulin’ Medeas
Les Griffons D’Or
The Badass Sparkle Princesses
The term “paradigm” was coined.
The Honor Principle was enshrined in the Reed constitution.
Letter grades were abolished.
The first MLA Handbook was published.
"Sleep-deprived weeping” became an Olympic sport.
Capitalism, Patriotism, Free Speech
Communism, Atheism, Free Love
Criticism, Astigmatism, Free Tuition
Paganism, Humanism, Free Tibet
Hedonism, Dadaism, Free Beer
Students begin adding stories to thesis tower, with goal of reaching heaven itself.
President Richard Sullivan leaves town; Reedies construct and worship golden owl in his absence.
Mock crucifixion at football game.
Mock football game at crucifixion.
Students rewrite Old Testament as a slash-and-stalk epic titled Vengeance Is Up for Grabs.
6 kg of plutonium repurposed from the Hanford Nuclear Reservation.
3 kg of uranium scrounged from the University of Arizona.
1 kg of thorium on loan from the Department of Energy.
Original birth heart of former U.S. Vice President Richard B. Cheney.
Glowing, telepathic green orb pursued by a sword-wielding alien woman in metal underwear.
The Portland Tall Bike Club.
Compound Fracture Society.
They have no formal name, sneering at your ersatz concept of bourgeois formality.
Sprang fully formed from the brow of Reed president Dexter M. Keezer.
Wrenched in a midnight raid from the roof of Old Dorm Block.
Live pet owl belonging to student makes mistake of staring directly into the eyes of anthropology professor Gail Kelly.
Lawn decoration stolen from Eastmoreland house.
Has always existed; the college—nay, the world—was constructed around it.
Banning fraternities, sororities, and intercollegiate sports at Reed.
Instituting a broad humanities requirement for all students.
Catching cold at his own inauguration and dying a scant 41 days later.
Other than that, Mrs. Scholz, how was the play?
Siring legendary guitarist for the band Boston, Tom Scholz.
Reedies don’t screw in light bulbs; they screw in the SU loft.
Five. One to screw it in, four to get the PE credit.
Only one, but it takes six years.
None, just glue it to your thesis and let your universe revolve around it.