Laugh helplessly and ask if she kept the receipt.
Tell her no one will notice the dress as they’ll be too busy looking at the size of her ass.
Yawn and say you don’t really have an opinion.
Tell her she looks great in anything.
Top up her glass.
Take her by the shoulders and give her a good, firm shake.
Go in the other room and have a nap.
Rub her hands comfortingly and call a doctor.
Hold your nose and make choking noises.
Push him over and grab his money.
Envy his lifestyle.
Give him what you can afford and stop for a chat.
Ask her if he’s on the sex-offenders register.
Ask him if he minds being her sixth fiancé in two years.
Stare at him with your mouth slightly open.
Make bright conversation about how good they look together.
Everyone else being gradually reduced to tears of misery and despair.
You’d be much to drunk to remember the details.
At home. In bed.
A concert and a nice meal with friends.
A vision of vengeful fury.
A terrific lay.
A force for good and happiness who lived life to the full.