Which Sa Party Should You Vote For On August 3?

1. What kind of approach to black economic empowerment would you like your party to have?

Black people are entitled by virtue of birth to dominate all sectors of society and to own almost everything and if white people want a share of any of it they'd better come with cap in hand.

BEE and affirmative action should not be built into legislation because it is important to rather create an equal opportunity society. Broad-based black empowerment is supported though, and can be achieved by incentivising business and government to employ and give contracts to the formerly disadvantaged and awarding points for training.

This political party invented the whole idea. However, it has resulted in a small group of politically connected people becoming super wealthy, although there is now also a much bigger black middle class than ever before. It is without doubt the trailblazer on creating and sustaining visible empowerment.

There's no one more empowered than someone with a powerful spliff.

This party wants BEE to be as broad-based as possible, especially when it comes to women.

BEE? I'm looking for a party that's totally against everything about it!

2. What is the length of time any pothole should be allowed to survive in SA?

No longer than 48 hours.

My political party will get to that pothole once there is a better life for all. There are bigger problems than potholes. Besides, they gave some company a tender to fix the roads in my area, didn't they?

Under my political party potholes will be fixed within a short space of time, as long as it's in an Afrikaner area. Everywhere else should just be grateful there's some tar left between the gravel.

My political party has a strong record of repairing and maintaining infrastructure within a reasonable space of time, appointing competent staff and contractors to do the job.

If you are high, you really won't notice that pothole.

My political party knows how important it is to make sure there are lots of warning signs on the roads for all the potholes in the places where they govern.

3. What would you like your party's attitude towards racism to be?

As long as everyone understands it's not just white people who are racist, you know.

I want a party with a history of denouncing and dismantling everyday and institutionalised racism for decades; it wants to criminalise racism.

Most white people are racists, whether they understand that or not. We have to fight the system of white supremacy and completely destroy it. White monopoly capital has made slaves of the black nation.

This party is definitely not in favour of racism but some accused it in the past of being perhaps a bit too comfortable with the Bantustan rules of the apartheid state.

We can all just love one another better when we are passing a bong around. Racism is just in the mind, man.

Race is socially constructed and people need to learn to judge one another on the content of their character not the colour of their skin.

4. What would you like your party to do about land reform?

Nothing. The land needs no reform. White people actually found the land empty during the Mfekane and so don't need to be apologetic about being on it.

My party has passed an Expropriation Bill in parliament because it wants to hasten the process after years of trying unsuccessfully to really change land ownership patterns.

No one should own land privately. It should all be managed by the state and given to people on a basis of need and the ability to do something productive with it. People should occupy as much vacant land as possible in the meantime.

We need to leave the custodianship of the land in the capable hands of traditional leaders.

New black and emerging farmers need to be supported to make unproductive land work. Commercial farming is the only thing that makes sense though because of economies of scale and returning to peasant farming will just make the nation go hungry.

More land urgently needs to be devoted to the growing of dagga. We can make a fortune in exporting our happy baccy to the rest of the world!

5. What qualities of character are you looking for in a councillor?

A generally professional approach with a desire to provide services being uppermost. However, he or she doesn't have much of a struggle background.

No ego, selflessness, being knowledgable, no interest in coercing sex with anyone or taking a bribe in the ward in return for favours.

Not scared of people always threatening or actually trying to kill them.

Should understand what the word 'verkrampte' means. Ready to stand and fall for the sake of the volk.

I'm not sure I can really predict what my councillor will be like because we've not heard of this person before. Apparently he got moved from some other province after being found guilty of something or the other.

As long as he or she has got an amazing marijuana garden and is willing to share the herb with the community every so often, it's all good.

6. What are you looking for when it comes to the economy?

We need to start handing people more money because that will stimulate the economy. Nationalising all the banks will also be a good move because that's where all the money is hiding.

We need stability and to hire the most qualified people to do jobs. Government's policy of insisting on affirmative action appointments in the public sector just means cadres get deployed who can't do the job and, even worse, important positions remain vacant so service delivery is affected.

It's time to make sure that public money is well spent to ensure that we stimulate the economy using our taxes wisely. Foreign investment is critical and creating business-friendly conditions with less red tape will help to unlock our potential

We need to privatise state-owned enterprises that are carrying too much weight and are very inefficient. Government's public sector wage bill is just too high.

If we can grow enough dagga we will be able to sell it and make a lot of money. And, in any case, if you are high, you will not care that you don't have a "real job", whatever that is anyway.

We need to keep building on the progress we have made. The answer lies in small to medium-sized enterprises and we fortunately now have a whole government ministry devoted just to this. Let's keep supporting the department of trade and industry and the Industrial Development Corporation.

7. What are you hoping the Auditor-General will rule about the finances of your municipality?

I don't care. Who understands what an unqualified audit is anyway? Wasteful expenditure sounds like fun!

I only find clean audits with no wasteful, fruitless or irregular expenditure acceptable. Anything less must have dire consequences.

It's a mixed bag, but mostly the councillors and the mayor have been trying pretty hard, but accounting is difficult.

If only we could be put in charge of more municipalities we would show the others how it should be done! These guys are serious about spending money right first time, every time.

The only thing that rules is weed, bro. Can we roll those audit papers?

Once these guys are in charge this Auditor-General had better not come with his Western imperialist accounting practices of oppression. We know how to spend the money for the good of the people.

8. How should crime be tackled in your area?

We need more police officers and those who specialise in different crimes with excellent detective work using forensics to close cases.

Community safety officers will help to combat crime. Once people are economically empowered though they won't need to commit crime and we can all just enjoy living off the shared wealth of the country together.

People need to stop using all these dangerous drugs and stick to weed. That will make them too chilled to commit crime, man.

Corrupt police officers need to be sent to jail. It's no good if the cops who are meant to be catching the criminals are also criminals.

We are one of the murder and rape capitals of the world. It's time to bring back harsher sentences and the death penalty.

Dismantling the apartheid security state required the transformation of the police and security forces. Our people need to be encouraged to view the police not as the enemy but as a partner in keeping our communities safe.

9. How should services like water, electricity, sewerage and refuse removal be paid for?

Everything must be abundant and totally free.

We need to make sure that people start to pay for what they use. Our municipalities need their investment grade status, but it is very difficult to collect debt and, in the meantime, there's not much that can be done about illegal connections. The poor need some sort of subsidy, however to ensure a basic level of access.

With money. Everyone needs to pay the same for what they use. Everyone should be entitled to a basic level of access though.

I forget ... oh yes, with dagga.

It's important that service in middle class areas does not go backwards before we start fretting about trying to give everybody else access to things. All these many promises about impossible things are what have made people so demanding and entitled. We need to lower their expectations.

In the spirit of ubuntu we will find a way to keep everything going. Trust us on this one.

10. How should healthcare be provided?

We need 24-hour clinics all over the place and medical staff willing to serve the people for the love of humanity and the revolution.

We need to push forward with the National Health Insurance scheme. There's more than enough money available to provide healthcare to every citizen if we pool our resources wisely.

We need to enter into more public-private partnerships with healthcare providers and regulate the private healthcare industry more effectively for the good of medical aid members. We also need 24-hour clinics or mobile clinics.

Dagga is a known panacea and can treat everything from a headache to cancer. Dedicated hospitals providing access to different dagga treatments (oil, smoke, cookies, etc) are a great answer. Er, what was the question again?

In the spirit of ubuntu and trust.

It's a tragedy how our once proud hospitals have been allowed to go backwards. We need to reverse the brain drain and keep our qualified doctors and nurses working in SA. Especially the white ones.

11. What qualities do you most look for in a party leader?

Tells it without fear. A commitment to revolutionary change and not a fan of white monopoly capital. Has a big collection of berets. A history of not paying taxes and being accused of involvement in several corrupt business deals.

A long and distinguished history in the struggle. Tends to use state money for home improvements and to avoid going to court for corruption charges.

Knows how to give the longest speeches in world history.

Stands up unashamedly for the rights of minorities. As long as those minorities are Afrikaners.

Smokes at least eight dagga joints a day and is "between jobs".

Is relatively young, speaks with charisma and is trying to unite SA across racial and class lines. Maybe a bit soft on racism.