The Hammer Legend Quiz: Who Am I?

1. You get chatting to someone. They seem nice, and you'd rather not unleash your darkness on them at this stage in the proceedings. Where do you take the conversation?

Find common ground and then release the anecdotes. They'll be putty in my hands... plus if anything goes wrong I'll have an anecdote for another time!

I'll play it cool. I'm sure we have mutual friends or common ground.

The trick to making people feel at ease with you is to stand as close as possible to them, but to talk in a low mumble. That way they know you have a personality.

I'll chat, but I'll throw in a random reference to Queen or Zappa to see if they get it. I'm not venturing into my mind palace for chitchat ideas for just ANYONE.

Please. They'll be the ones trying to make conversation with me.

2. You're headed out to a laid back party with friends. What are you wearing?

A t-shirt with my favorite band or ale on it, and some fantastic long denim shorts I picked up from Sports Direct for an absolute steal.

I'd go for smart but approachable, like a footballer in court on a GBH charge.

Imagine that famous picture of Justin and Britney in their all-denim. Yes, please.

Something crisply ironed and slightly aggressive, like a polo shirt with all the buttons done up or a retro shirt of my favorite football team that I accidentally paid over the odds for on eBay WHICH IS FINE AND I WANTED IT ANYWAY.

One of those rubber horse heads and a trench coat. That way, I'm the talking point of the party and everybody wants a piece of me.

3. The party is well-stocked with plenty of drinks. What's your poison?

A straw inserted into a coconut. But what's in that coconut? You'll never know. That's just part of my mystique.

Mint Baileys. Neat.

I'll be keeping it session... until I don't, at which point I will cause a future shame hangover by going absolutely mad and sitting on tables. Seriously though, someone will probably need to help me home.

Whatever's going mate, I'll hammer it down.

I'll stick to session ales unless it's been a particularly bad day. In which case, rum and diet coke, which I will drink quickly and sadly.

4. Let's up the stakes... the person you're chatting to is your number one hammer hero. Now how do you play it?

This could go one of two ways. There's an 80% chance I underplay it and act very casually, resulting in under thirty seconds of a casual chat. I'd be ok with this though. There's a 20% chance I overplay it and reveal that I know their second child's middle name. I would rather this did not happen.

Just raise an eyebrow from across the room. They'll know what I mean.

My hammer hero is an actual hammer. So I would talk to it about nails and the like.

It depends when this takes place. Early doors, I'm going to be shy and bashful. But later on... well I won't remember anything except being led away from them.

I think I'd be fine around them, then once we'd got properly talking I'D SHOW THEM MY TATTOO OF THEIR FACE.

5. The host brings out dish after dish of party food. What do you head for?

The coleslaw. I actually brought some of my own in case there wasn't enough, so I'll get my wife to put ours in her bag and we can have it later.

If I've got a gig tomorrow then I'll load up on chips. If not, or if I need to cleanse, bring on the spice.

You'll never see me eat, you'll just have to assume that it happens.

The duck eggs.

I will eat anything I want. I AM FOOD LEGEND. I will later regret this attitude.

6. The party's winding down. What do you do?

Stay until the bitter end. Don't worry, I won't make any trouble. I'll just sit in the corner with my rum.

I'm off, but instead of taking the tube home I'll turn right. Who knows what sexy adventures await me?

Someone will have to pour me into an Uber. I'll arrive home four hours later, with no memory of where I went. Needless to say, when I wake up the next morning my jeans will be in the sink.

I left half an hour ago to go to a cooler party. I didn't invite you.

I'll be on the roof with my glider, ready to launch off into that fair mistress the sky.

7. How do you feel the next morning?

Pretty hungover, but to be honest I'm used to larging it so this was to be expected.

Deeply, deeply ashamed. I don't remember doing anything bad, but I'm sure I probably did. I'll text everyone just in case.

I've already gone back out, to a speakeasy that you won't have heard of.

Probably quite sad and nostalgic, based on absolutely nothing. I'll think about escaping the noise of life but end up just watching clips on YouTube.

Wet. I got stuck in the English Channel.

8. To top off a wonderful weekend, a package arrives. It's a box of goodies that you have been sent for being a great person! What's in it?

My favorite team is playing in Prague (don't ask why just accept they are), so it's ticketed for me and all my friends to go. There are free entry and drinks for every bar in town, and we're staying at the same hotel as the players. Yes. Please.

A rare album from my favorite band, a crate of session ales, two interesting t-shirts, a first edition copy of my favorite book of poetry, and what's that... a farthing? Quallo.

I can't tell you. It would be too powerful for your tiny mind to comprehend.

Betting slips, an egg protector, and a fully-charged mobile phone.

A vintage football shirt, a coal mining experience day, and an autobiography of the first Welsh footballing communist.

9. From across the room, you catch the host's eye. You know what he's thinking... he needs you to take this party up a notch by putting on some sick beats. What do you go for?

Oh don't worry, I brought my set list. I just hope you can handle it.

I'm going to play five hours of Zappa, Queen and Lou Reed. And then I'm going to play it all over again.

You won't have heard of them.

Get ready for a trip.... BACK TO THE NINETIES. Or failing that the sixties. Either way, this is going to be wild.

An audiobook of Dan Brown's "Digital Fortress", read by Angela Rippon.

10. Finally, are you on email?

You simply have to be these days.

Yes, and I use it to respond to ANYONE who criticises the show. I just want to know why.

No, I don't know what that is.

Over 60% of business is done via email these days.

I am, but I'm not telling you my email address.

11. Badinage begins to take place. There's some good-natured ribbing about your favorite sportsball team. How do you respond?

You laugh quietly. It's all good fun, as long as it doesn't get out of hand.

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. CUT ME AND WATCH ME BLEED BLUE AND WHITE."

Tell a funny anecdote and hope that they realize you are actually really well-dressed, so the joke about your team's supporters not being well-dressed is stupid, actually, and later you will go into the toilet and write on the forums about how well-dressed you are whilst singing quietly to yourself.

This situation is not possible, as you are too much of an enigma for anyone to know your sportsball team.

You stand there, silent and completely still, until they disperse.