Exposing The Elephant In The Room: Who Is Your Republican Candidate Alter Ego?

10 Questions

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Exposing The Elephant In The Room: Who Is Your Republican Candidate Alter Ego?

As much as we try to deny it, inside all of us lurks a consummate cowboy. Or a socially awkward millionaire. Or a Pokemon loving pizza peddler with a heart of gold. Take this quiz to discover which candidate will be your own personal nominee. Instructions: It is very likely that none of the answer choices will apply to you. Pick whichever one you think is the most outrageous or at random.


Questions and Answers
  • 1. 
    The bumper sticker on my car says...
    • A. 

      Choose Life, with the corner of a Pro Women/Pro Choice bumper sticker jutting out from underneath.

    • B. 

      WWJD? (Suckas don’t know that the J really stands for Jagger!)

    • C. 

      Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

    • D. 

      I Brake For Peperoni

    • E. 

      All I Need To Learn About Islam, I Learned on 9-11

    • F. 

      I Created Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve! Love, God

    • G. 

      Irony is asking the government to solve the problems that it causes.

  • 2. 
    In my wallet you will find...
    • A. 

      $10k (in case I lose a bet) and a Black Amex

    • B. 

      Intern digits, Bow Chicka Wow Wow!

    • C. 

      Concealed weapons permit

    • D. 

      Blank check from the Obama campaign for seeing how much I could get away with saying while pretending to be a viable candidate. Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan will set them back a cool $10k.

    • E. 

      NOT CONDOMS nervous laugh

    • F. 

      Business cards for my husband's counseling business, just in case I run into anyone who looks too fabulous.

    • G. 

      No wallet. I carry gold nuggets in a little pouch

  • 3. 
    My favorite hobby is...
    • A. 

      Maintaining my figure by running on the estate

    • B. 

      Visiting zoos throughout the country, silently grateful that through some act of God, I am not also imprisoned.

    • C. 

      Shooting sniper rifles near the Mexican border

    • D. 

      Performing rousing Karaoke numbers. I have also tried my hand at some songwriting, rather successfully I must admit.

    • E. 

      Latin Mass

    • F. 

      Heckling women entering abortion clinics

    • G. 

      Rallying hoards of devoted disciples whose zeal is only paralleled by preteen Beliebers

  • 4. 
    What work was most inspirational to you?
    • A. 

      The Bible and Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard. I also liked Twilight, but I personally don’t know any Vampires.

    • B. 

      The Bible (any part about concubines) and Quotations from Speaker Newt: The Little Red, White and Blue Book of the Republican Revolution

    • C. 

      There are three: The Bible, Sam Houston and um what was the third one there…?

    • D. 

      Pokemon: The Movie 2000

    • E. 

      The Bible, Opus Dei Handbook

    • F. 

      The Bible, with special emphasis on Leviticus 18:22

    • G. 

      The Road to Serfdom

  • 5. 
    My heart is set aflame by...
    • A. 

      Blonde equestrians

    • B. 

      Cancer-free blondes with the glassy stare of a malevolent ginger doll

    • C. 

      Blonde nurses

    • D. 

      Humble, non-litigious gals who aren’t above accepting a little hush money

    • E. 

      A solid uterus

    • F. 

      Pudgy Twinkletoes strongly devoted to rehabilitating gay youth.

    • G. 

      Aggressive ladies. My wife and I got together when she asked me to escort her to her sixteenth birthday party.

  • 6. 
    How many children do you have?
    • A. 

      Five strapping, perfectly coiffed sons. Eat your hearts out, Chinese.

    • B. 

      Two. I stopped having kids when I realized the risk it posed to a First Lady’s figure.

    • C. 

      A boy and a girl.

    • D. 

      Nine, uh, I mean two. Two!

    • E. 

      “Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.”

    • F. 

      Almost thirty (including foster children). Brangelina ain’t got nothing on this!

    • G. 

      Five and three of them are doctors. It started out as a friendly competition with the Patels next store, but we felt bad when little Rajiv announced that he was starting a rock band.

  • 7. 
    Everyone totally overreacted when I said...
    • A. 

      When asked if I liked NASCAR, "I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners."

    • B. 

      “I read Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and I found frightening pieces that related to…my own life.”

    • C. 

      "Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote."

    • D. 

      "The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is…. Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.... A manly man don't want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza."

    • E. 

      “President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob!”

    • F. 

      "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

    • G. 

      "Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the `criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal."

  • 8. 
    Most useless holiday...
    • A. 

      Earth Day

    • B. 

      “Mother’s Day” is just a pseudonym for obesity acceptance

    • C. 

      Cinco de mayo. I hope that you choke on that there chalupa, Santa Anna.

    • D. 

      Valentine’s Day. The minute that I think that I have all of my bases covered, lady friends start multiplying like pizza franchises in a college town.

    • E. 

      Ramadan, but I bet if you get close enough to ol’ Barack Hussein, you will hear a little stomach rumbling

    • F. 

      Halloween-It just sanctions barbarians crossdressers

    • G. 

      Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I voted against this outrage time and time again as a Congressman. What an infamy that Ronald Reagan approved it! We can thank him for our annual Hate Whitey Day (quote not fabricated by quiz maker).

  • 9. 
    My doppelganger in the entertainment industry is…
    • A. 

      A hybrid of Mike Brady and the recurring evil developer who wants to replace the local park with luxury condos.Darn those scrappy kids who raise awareness and foil my plans!

    • B. 

      Hugh Hefner

    • C. 

      Walker, Texas Ranger

    • D. 

      N/A, I am in the entertainment industry

    • E. 

      Jim Bob Duggar

    • F. 

      Sarah Palin

    • G. 

      Sir Ian McKellen

  • 10. 
    My biggest accomplishment as a student was…
    • A. 

      Surviving as a married student by selling my stocks and receiving a $42,000 loan from my father. We were upper middle class back then, but so in love that we didn’t even notice.

    • B. 

      Banging the hot Geometry teacher and marrying her a year after graduation.

    • C. 

      Being elected as a yell leader (male cheerleader) my junior year.

    • D. 

      Realizing that you didn't have to be capable of expressing any coherent ideas whatsoever in order to pass through the system.

    • E. 

      Beat Michele Bachmann for president of the Chastity Club. When I signed that promise card, I didn't realize that I wouldn't get married until I was 32. Ouch.

    • F. 

      Winning “Miss Congeniality” in the Miss Anoka County pageant

    • G. 

      State Champion in the 220-yard dash