Exposing The Elephant In The Room: Who Is Your Republican Candidate Alter Ego?

Choose Life, with the corner of a Pro Women/Pro Choice bumper sticker jutting out from underneath.

WWJD? (Suckas don’t know that the J really stands for Jagger!)

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

I Brake For Peperoni

All I Need To Learn About Islam, I Learned on 9-11

I Created Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve! Love, God

Irony is asking the government to solve the problems that it causes.

$10k (in case I lose a bet) and a Black Amex

Intern digits, Bow Chicka Wow Wow!

Concealed weapons permit

Blank check from the Obama campaign for seeing how much I could get away with saying while pretending to be a viable candidate. Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan will set them back a cool $10k.

NOT CONDOMS nervous laugh

Business cards for my husband's counseling business, just in case I run into anyone who looks too fabulous.

No wallet. I carry gold nuggets in a little pouch

Maintaining my figure by running on the estate

Visiting zoos throughout the country, silently grateful that through some act of God, I am not also imprisoned.

Shooting sniper rifles near the Mexican border

Performing rousing Karaoke numbers. I have also tried my hand at some songwriting, rather successfully I must admit.

Latin Mass

Heckling women entering abortion clinics

Rallying hoards of devoted disciples whose zeal is only paralleled by preteen Beliebers

The Bible and Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard. I also liked Twilight, but I personally don’t know any Vampires.

The Bible (any part about concubines) and Quotations from Speaker Newt: The Little Red, White and Blue Book of the Republican Revolution

There are three: The Bible, Sam Houston and um what was the third one there…?

Pokemon: The Movie 2000

The Bible, Opus Dei Handbook

The Bible, with special emphasis on Leviticus 18:22

The Road to Serfdom

Blonde equestrians

Cancer-free blondes with the glassy stare of a malevolent ginger doll

Blonde nurses

Humble, non-litigious gals who aren’t above accepting a little hush money

A solid uterus

Pudgy Twinkletoes strongly devoted to rehabilitating gay youth.

Aggressive ladies. My wife and I got together when she asked me to escort her to her sixteenth birthday party.

Five strapping, perfectly coiffed sons. Eat your hearts out, Chinese.

Two. I stopped having kids when I realized the risk it posed to a First Lady’s figure.

A boy and a girl.

Nine, uh, I mean two. Two!

“Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.”

Almost thirty (including foster children). Brangelina ain’t got nothing on this!

Five and three of them are doctors. It started out as a friendly competition with the Patels next store, but we felt bad when little Rajiv announced that he was starting a rock band.

When asked if I liked NASCAR, "I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners."

“I read Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and I found frightening pieces that related to…my own life.”

"Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote."

"The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is…. Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.... A manly man don't want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza."

“President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob!”

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

"Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the `criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal."

Earth Day

“Mother’s Day” is just a pseudonym for obesity acceptance

Cinco de mayo. I hope that you choke on that there chalupa, Santa Anna.

Valentine’s Day. The minute that I think that I have all of my bases covered, lady friends start multiplying like pizza franchises in a college town.

Ramadan, but I bet if you get close enough to ol’ Barack Hussein, you will hear a little stomach rumbling

Halloween-It just sanctions barbarians crossdressers

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I voted against this outrage time and time again as a Congressman. What an infamy that Ronald Reagan approved it! We can thank him for our annual Hate Whitey Day (quote not fabricated by quiz maker).

A hybrid of Mike Brady and the recurring evil developer who wants to replace the local park with luxury condos.Darn those scrappy kids who raise awareness and foil my plans!

Hugh Hefner

Walker, Texas Ranger

N/A, I am in the entertainment industry

Jim Bob Duggar

Sarah Palin

Sir Ian McKellen

Surviving as a married student by selling my stocks and receiving a $42,000 loan from my father. We were upper middle class back then, but so in love that we didn’t even notice.

Banging the hot Geometry teacher and marrying her a year after graduation.

Being elected as a yell leader (male cheerleader) my junior year.

Realizing that you didn't have to be capable of expressing any coherent ideas whatsoever in order to pass through the system.

Beat Michele Bachmann for president of the Chastity Club. When I signed that promise card, I didn't realize that I wouldn't get married until I was 32. Ouch.

Winning “Miss Congeniality” in the Miss Anoka County pageant

State Champion in the 220-yard dash