Who Is Your Downton Dreamboy?

Gold Digger by Kanye West

Hot N Cold by Katy Perry

Sabotage by the Beastie Boys

Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley

Bloody Sunday by U2

Be Prepared as performed by the malevolent lion, Scar, in The Lion King

Dead! by My Chemical Romance

A luscious crop of dignified silver hair and an overall aura of gentility

Icy blue stare, Clairol towhead

Sinister grin

Unique gait and jowls

Bulging biceps, because I know that he can rescue me when political chaos breaks out

Glistening hair reminiscent of the British Petroleum spill of ‘10

It is hard to pick just one when your lover looks like Narcissus

Dads Against Daughters Dating Democrats: Lifetime Member

Legal Aid: Justice for All

Newt Gingrich 2012

I Brake For Cripples

Belfast Rifle Team

Honk If You’re Feeling Devilish

Kiss Me, I’m Turkish

Beguiling and marrying a pretty foreign heiress, hoping one day to love her as much as her inheritance

Getting engaged to the only fictional character as annoying as Beth from Little Women, hoping to make his true crush jealous. Secretly wishes that said fiancée would have the common decency to die.

Using his money to attract a much younger woman and then blackmail to keep her interested.

Endearing millions of viewers with his integrity and loyalty, while blinding them to the fact that he has the agility of Stephen Hawking.

Antagonistically telling women that they are in love with him until they are cowed into agreeing.

Volunteering to help the object of his affection dress and then assaulting him with a sensual kiss.

Attracting her by looking like a Ralph Lauren advertisement on a horse and then randomly showing up in her bedroom in the middle of the night

Men in the grip of a midlife crisis

Dimwitted do-gooders who care more about helping people than earning money

Guys that every single person I know hates passionately, especially Grandma

Men with more baggage than LAX

Overbearing control freaks

Black market con artists

Green Card aspirants

Tranquil stroll through the estate with trusty canine friend

Architectural tour of local sights

Checking out cheap foreclosed houses while gossiping about the neighbors

Night of passion planned and hosted by our boss. It would have been perfect if I didn’t keep getting scraped by his metal brace of death-felt like a night with Jolie.

Occupy Wall Street

Dine and dash. Once he tried to impress me with a bottle of wine; I would almost swear that it was really diluted vinegar, because he looked really upset as soon as he tried it.

Fox hunt and subsequent booty call

Kissing a widowed intern

Incest

Receiving bribes for the return of compromising photographs

Snuffing out all of the inconvenient people in his path with poison that he bought at Walgreens (forgot to throw out receipt)

Throwing a Molotov cocktail filled with curdled milk at a member of the opposition party

Larry Craig style men’s restroom debacle

Seducing a wealthy virgin while on a diplomatic mission

Sentimentality

Viagra resistant impotence

His last work project was an expose naming Obama as the father of Snooki’s lovechild

Criminal record and an ex who makes the Kardashians look low-maintenance

Misplaced pride in low earning potential

The Gaga costume that I found hidden in his closet

Poor stamina, if you know what I mean

My father’s friends from the country club

This is kind of embarrassing, but I have this cousin on my dad’s side of the family…

Rupert Murdoch

That portly middle-aged man who carves the ham at Golden Corral

The Lucky Charms Leprechaun

Ryan Seacrest

Whirling dervishes