Competed on the rowing team.I eventually had to dump him because his mother would not stop launching one-ling zingers at me and I never had any comebacks.
All-American athlete with a heart of gold
Worked as the editor of the school newspaper. He was ignominiously relieved of his position after publishing an expose about the Vice-Principal’s torrid affair with Rusty, the school janitor.
Was unpopular at first when he moved in from Ohio, but quickly won everyone over when he started dating a blonde cheerleader.
President of the debate team. Whenever he raised his hand, everyone sighed and settled in for the duration
Got expelled for leaving Ex-Lax brownies in the teacher’s lounge after he was denied the role of Captain Von Trapp. That was a turning point…
Mysterious Anatolian exchange student
Gold Digger by Kanye West
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
Sabotage by the Beastie Boys
Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley
Bloody Sunday by U2
Be Prepared as performed by the malevolent lion, Scar, in The Lion King
Dead! by My Chemical Romance
A luscious crop of dignified silver hair and an overall aura of gentility
Icy blue stare, Clairol towhead
Unique gait and jowls
Bulging biceps, because I know that he can rescue me when political chaos breaks out
Glistening hair reminiscent of the British Petroleum spill of ‘10
It is hard to pick just one when your lover looks like Narcissus
Dads Against Daughters Dating Democrats: Lifetime Member
Legal Aid: Justice for All
Newt Gingrich 2012
I Brake For Cripples
Belfast Rifle Team
Honk If You’re Feeling Devilish
Kiss Me, I’m Turkish
Beguiling and marrying a pretty foreign heiress, hoping one day to love her as much as her inheritance
Getting engaged to the only fictional character as annoying as Beth from Little Women, hoping to make his true crush jealous. Secretly wishes that said fiancée would have the common decency to die.
Using his money to attract a much younger woman and then blackmail to keep her interested.
Endearing millions of viewers with his integrity and loyalty, while blinding them to the fact that he has the agility of Stephen Hawking.
Antagonistically telling women that they are in love with him until they are cowed into agreeing.
Volunteering to help the object of his affection dress and then assaulting him with a sensual kiss.
Attracting her by looking like a Ralph Lauren advertisement on a horse and then randomly showing up in her bedroom in the middle of the night
Men in the grip of a midlife crisis
Dimwitted do-gooders who care more about helping people than earning money
Guys that every single person I know hates passionately, especially Grandma
Men with more baggage than LAX
Overbearing control freaks
Black market con artists
Green Card aspirants
Tranquil stroll through the estate with trusty canine friend
Architectural tour of local sights
Checking out cheap foreclosed houses while gossiping about the neighbors
Night of passion planned and hosted by our boss. It would have been perfect if I didn’t keep getting scraped by his metal brace of death-felt like a night with Jolie.
Occupy Wall Street
Dine and dash. Once he tried to impress me with a bottle of wine; I would almost swear that it was really diluted vinegar, because he looked really upset as soon as he tried it.
Fox hunt and subsequent booty call
Kissing a widowed intern
Receiving bribes for the return of compromising photographs
Snuffing out all of the inconvenient people in his path with poison that he bought at Walgreens (forgot to throw out receipt)
Throwing a Molotov cocktail filled with curdled milk at a member of the opposition party
Larry Craig style men’s restroom debacle
Seducing a wealthy virgin while on a diplomatic mission
Viagra resistant impotence
His last work project was an expose naming Obama as the father of Snooki’s lovechild
Criminal record and an ex who makes the Kardashians look low-maintenance
Misplaced pride in low earning potential
The Gaga costume that I found hidden in his closet
Poor stamina, if you know what I mean
My father’s friends from the country club
This is kind of embarrassing, but I have this cousin on my dad’s side of the family…
That portly middle-aged man who carves the ham at Golden Corral
The Lucky Charms Leprechaun