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Possible reason for unhappy, failing marriages |
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lack of preparation given to the MARRIAGE |
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You CANNOT afford to |
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not PREPARE for marriage |
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•Positive effects of Marriage: |
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-Lead a healthier lifestyle
-Live longer
-Satisfying sexual relationship
-More wealth/ economic assets
-Healthier children (academically/emotionally)
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Formula for a successful marriage |
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· Both partners are friends
· Both independent and matures
· Both love not only each other but love ourselves
· Both enjoy being alone as well as together
· Both established in work/career
· Both know themselves
· Both can/do express self assertively
· Both friends as well as lovers |
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Single best predicter of a successful marriage: |
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Age |
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Expressing oneself assertively |
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-Eliminate games
-Get comfortable taking care of you
-Request vs. demand |
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Positive Reasons to Marry |
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-Companionship
-Love/intimacy
-Supportive partnership
-Sexual partnership
-Sharing parenthood
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Negative Reasons to Marry |
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-Pregnancy
-Rebellion against parents
-Independence
-Rebounding from relationship
-Family/social pressure
-Economic security
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Effective Premarital Program includes |
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-Premarital inventory
i.e. Prepare/Enrich
-training in communication/problem-solving skills
self disclosure- key to continued intimacy
-participation in small group with other couples
-the type of relationship you have before marriage is VERY predictable of whether you will have a healthy, successful, happy marriage
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Characteristics best predicting a happy marriage: |
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•Realistic attitudes
•Satisfaction with the personality of our partner
•Enjoy communicating with your partner
•Satisfaction with methods of conflict resolution
•Agree on religious & ethical values
•More equal roles
•Balance of joint & individual leisure activities
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One of the major reasons new couples have difficulty adjusting is because |
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they are idealistic |
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Vitalized |
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-Highest level of satisfaction in ALL aspects of marriage
-High in communication/conflict resolution
-Older/more educated/married longer/higher status-jobs
-80% have never considered divorce
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Harmonious |
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-Second most satisfied
-Moderately high scores when assessing marital satisfaction
-More educated/higher status-jobs
-Had the fewest number of children yet report dissatisfaction with their parenting
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Traditional |
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-High scores in areas of children/parenting, equal roles and religion
-Agreed religion is important aspect of marriage
-Lower scores in relationship skills of communication/conflict resolution
-Tended to dislike partner
-Married younger/fewer women employed fulltime/have more children
-Stay married even though dissatisfied
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Conflicted |
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-Moderately low scores overall except higher in equalitarian roles/religion
-Problems communicating/solving problems
-Younger/married fewer years/less educated and lower status job
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Devitalized |
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-Lowest scores of all
-Pervasive unhappiness in all areas of marriage
-More likely to be separated
-88%-one of both had considered divorce
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Parenthood |
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process of raising children from infants to adults who will provide continuity within the family for years to come |
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Myths of Parenthood: |
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-Children will turn out well if they have “good” parents
-Parenthood receives top priority in our society
-Parenting gets easier as children get older
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Top 5 parenting issues with Couples |
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1. Having children reduces marital satisfaction
2. Father not involved enough with children
3. Dissatisfied with how child rearing is shared
4. Disagree on discipline of children
5. Partner focuses more on the children than on the marriage
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Transition to Parenthood |
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-Changes one’s whole world
-Some experience disenchantment
-Increased level of stress
-Couple has less time for each other
-Money problems intensify
-Physical demands can be exhausting
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Cost of raising a child- birth to age 17 |
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-Lower income family cost for one - $130,290
-Average of $7,664 per year, or 30% of annual income
-Middle income family cost- $178,590
-Average of $10,505 per year, or 19% of annual income
-Upper income family cost- $261,270
-Average of $15,368 per year, or 15% of annual income
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Cost of children |
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-Clothe a child to age 18 = $22,063
-Girls>boys
-Keep a child healthy/fit to age 18 = $20,757
-Feed a 15 year old = $1,920 / year
-Child care costs = $$$/week
-College costs…
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Parental Support includes: |
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-closeness
-cohesion
-affection |
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Parental Power includes: |
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-rules
-discipline
-flexibility |
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Level of support/control parents exercise impacts |
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the child socially, psychologically, and academically |
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When parenting is too lenient (chaotic) or too strict (rigid) there are |
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more problems with overall psychological adjustment of the child/adolescent |
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Children with more balanced amount of parental control tend to |
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have higher self-esteem, more friends, greater affection for parents and more satisfaction in life |
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5 Parenting Styles |
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Democratic, Authoritarian, Permissive, Rejecting, Uninvolved |
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Democratic: |
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-Parents establish clear rules/expectations and discuss with child
-Parents acknowledge child’s perspective, yet use reason/power to enforce standards
-Parents actively involved with kids
-Most positive impact on an adolescent’s development
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Children in the democratic style |
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-“energetic-friendly”
-Self reliant
-Cheerful
-Copes well with stress
-Achievement oriented |
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Authoritarian |
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-Parents establish rigid rules and expectations and strictly enforce them
-Parents expect and demand obedience from children
-Particularly difficult for adolescents who tend to rebel against this type of parenting |
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Children in the authoritarian style |
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-"conflicted-irritable”
-Moody
-Unhappy
-Vulnerable to stress
-Unfriendly
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Permissive |
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-Parents let the child’s parents take priority over their own ideals rarely enforce child to confirm to their standards
-Not healthy for the children
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Children in the permissive style |
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-Exhibit “impulsive-aggressive” behavior
-Rebellious
-Domineering
-Under-achieving
•(not always)
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Rejecting |
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-Parents do not pay much attention to the child’s needs
-Leaves child feeling uncared for even though they are expected to behave and have rules to follow
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Children in the rejecting style |
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-Often immature
-Often have psychological problems |
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Uninvovled |
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-Parents ignore child
-Lets child’s preferences prevail as long as they don’t interfere with parent’s activities
-Children left on own without emotional support and lack of consistent rules expectations
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Children in uninvolved style |
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-Solitary
-Withdrawn
-Underachieving
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Middle Age |
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-Societal definition = between 35 and 65
-Philosophically begins when you begin to think about how many years you have left instead of how many you have already lived
-Time between when the last child leaves home and retirement
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The Biggest Challenge for middle age men |
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-How to thrive (or even survive) in the working world while maintaining family connections
-Feel trapped by work due to routine/rut
-Experience layoff-difficult to feel confident about ability to get a new job
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Middle-aged women returning to work after long absence places them at a disadvantage because: |
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-Experience discrimination
-Employs demean a woman’s talent
-Doesn’t realize her competency and suffers feelings of inferiority
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Sexual activity declines some in the middle ages because: |
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of stress and boredom |
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For those who are creative and commited |
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sex can remain pleasurable during the middle ages |
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Most-dramatic age-related change in female reproductively functioning, after puberty |
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menopause |
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menopause |
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the end of a woman's ability to have children |
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Top Causes for Midlife Divorce for Women |
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-Verbal, physical, emotional abuse
-Alcohol or drug abuse
-Cheating
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Top Causes for Midlife Divorce for Men |
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-No obvious problems, simply fell out of love
-Cheating
-Different values, lifestyles |
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Strengthening Marriage in the Middle Years |
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-Establish priorities early
-Look for Warning Signs
-Nagging, sarcasm, possessive, critical
-Strive for equality in all areas
-Seek balance between togetherness and personal growth
-Good sex in a relationship in the middle years doesn’t come naturally
-It is a result of a positive daily life with each other
-Evaluate- seek marriage enrichment
-Deal with changes in healthy ways
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Empty Next syndrome |
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-Feelings of depression, emptiness or lack of purpose some parents feel when their kids leave home
-Most go through a period of adjustment |
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Spacious Nest |
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a more positive term for empty nest |
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Cluttered Nest |
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-1 in 4 (27%) of all 18-24 year-olds live with parents
-Adult children return home to live after graduation to establish self professionally and financially |
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Sandwich Generation |
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Group of adults caught in the middle- raising their own children but having to also care for aging parents |
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