Ask them if they want to go out to dinner with you. You're hungry for both food and the resolution of conflict.
You beat them both up, and scold them for not being able to handle the prowess of a true combat genius.
Ask them what their elected officials would think of their current behavior.
Invite them to a group counseling session. You're certain that with the right amount of help, those frowns could disappear and become happy smiles.
Cry. You just cry.
Tie them up. This may not be the wild west, but it certainly ain't your first rodeo, either.
Shoot them. Simple. Sweet. Dead.
Punch their noggin. You might knock some sense into it.
Simultaneously chop those hands off. Punishment for thievery or the attempt thereof is a given.
Decapitation. Can't steal without a head.
You wish you had the compassion to tell a loved one that they suck at what they do.
You've tried all the self-harm. All of it.
You find peace in the substances. Some are legal.
You write on calendars without permission.
You want fame. All of the fame.
Sing? As if.
Will there be food?
It can't be something too difficult.
It must accurately convey the pride I have for this great, great area in which we reside.
A song that takes true talent to perform.