Taxonomy Of American Latter Day Saints: What Flavor Of Mormon Are You?

10 Questions | Total Attempts: 1196

Taxonomy Of American Latter Day Saints: What Flavor Of Mormon Are You? - Quiz

Are you tired of being perceived as a dimwitted dogooder, incapable of understanding the complexities of modern life? Do you refuse to give the new neighbors a plate of cookies, just on principle? We know that we come in all shapes and (upper middle class) sizes. Defy the stereotype by finding your archetype. . .


Questions and Answers
  • 1. 
    How do you spend most of your free time?
    • A. 

      Tanning, gym, shopping, Levi lovin’ (not defining, please look up on urbandictionary.com) on a Lovesac, looking at self in reflective surfaces

    • B. 

      Going to music shows and throwing theme costume parties

    • C. 

      Serving, telling people about serving, posting about serving on Facebook

    • D. 

      Shop at Neiman Marcus, eat expensive cupcakes, lunch with the girls, Pilates

    • E. 

      At study groups discussing topics like, "The Kirtland Egyptian Papers, Thomas Dick's Materialist Universe, and The Poetry of Emanuel Swedenborg: Possible Influences on Joseph Smith's Concept of Premortality"?”

    • F. 

      Talking about how men are intimidated by my career and eating Ben and Jerry’s.

    • G. 

      Donning an orange Guantanamo jumpsuit and participating in a hunger strike

    • H. 

      Haven’t had free time since we were twenty-one and Ammon Jr. came along…

    • I. 

      Waiting for the Laurels to turn 18

    • J. 

      At Costco

  • 2. 
    My darkest secret is...
    • A. 

      One night I got bored and posted my self-portrait on “Hot or Not.” 9.9, baby!

    • B. 

      I don’t let people get too close to my iPod, because they would see Britney Spears mixed in with Arcade Fire and Radiohead.

    • C. 

      I once lost my temper and spelled “D-A-M!” I only realized that I had spelled it incorrectly when my children started to laugh.

    • D. 

      I was hoping to star in an “I’m A Mormon” video, but they told me that I had too many children

    • E. 

      I think that B.H. Roberts is boring and would rather read People

    • F. 

      I pour over baby name books every time I get set up on a blind date

    • G. 

      I shop at Walmart. And I like it.

    • H. 

      We are/have been on food stamps.

    • I. 

      I graduated from high school in 1993, which is the year that most of the girls I am trying to date were born.

    • J. 

      I have more baby mommas than K. Fed

  • 3. 
    Describe your hair...
    • A. 

      Men: Cutting edge European style (if past prime, faux hawk). Women: Fake looking, but expensive highlights.

    • B. 

      Men: Head kind of shaved while the other side is on the longish side; rattail Women: Long, seventies inspired or a pixie cut. Sometimes with severely cut bangage like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle.

    • C. 

      Men: Slightly tousled. Parted, but not too severely in an attempt to shed the lame missionary persona. Women: The fruit of several hours of labor every morning. Back combed into a dome of perfection, possibly aided by a certain plastic device that rhymes with “lump it”.

    • D. 

      Platinum blonde and diligently shellacked, making it completely impervious to the elements. Once someone saw me from behind and yelled, “Callista!”

    • E. 

      I am above such quotidian concerns.

    • F. 

      Untamed brillo pad of frizz

    • G. 

      Both genders: Long and untamed or Mohawk. Generally covered by a rank bandana that hasn’t been washed since the Reagan administration.

    • H. 

      Men: N/A due to the devastating effects of male pattern baldness Women: Bob or short perm

    • I. 

      Rogaine infused frosted tips or shaved to hide balding

    • J. 

      Long, mud colored braid with front puff.

  • 4. 
    My fashion arsenal…
    • A. 

      Men: Designer jeans paired with silky shirts most often seen at the Bellagio. Expensive watches for every occasion. Women: Designer jeans and purse. Booty shorts for use at Mormon parties.

    • B. 

      Both genders: Skinny jeans

    • C. 

      Men: Gap jeans, slightly over sized striped polo shirt from Kohl’s. Occasional Stake Service Day or Helaman’s Warriors: Momma’s Boys t-shirt Women: Skanky bar crawler tank top over a white t-shirt

    • D. 

      15 Karat diamond earrings with Juicy Couture exercise ensemble

    • E. 

      Blue shirts, crocheted sweaters and glasses (sometimes hip, many times not)

    • F. 

      Jody dresses (long, shapeless floral number most often seen on sister missionaries)

    • G. 

      Technicolored gypsy with fanny pack

    • H. 

      Same style as I wore in the nineties, just four sizes larger

    • I. 

      At least fifty percent of wardrobe was purchased at American Eagle or Abercrombie.

    • J. 

      Laura Ingalls Wilder chic

  • 5. 
    My Facebook wall has...
    • A. 

      Bikini centerfolds of yourself surrounded by your besties/Headless ab shots

    • B. 

      Vegan recipes and somber song lyrics hinting at recent romantic distress

    • C. 

      Conference talks and inspirational quotes to inspire my friends. Smile : )

    • D. 

      Pictures of my adorable children in designer clothes, lol

    • E. 

      Links to thought provoking journal articles (many written by you) to engender group discussion

    • F. 

      Links to articles lamenting the failure of modern men to settle down.

    • G. 

      Quotes like, “Why must the wheels of capitalism be greased with the blood of its workers?” and/or request to sign a petition

    • H. 

      I only use Facebook to spy on my children

    • I. 

      Pretentious Mother Theresa/Nelson Mandela quotes and pictures of me with children

    • J. 

      Links to my vending machine and lawn care businesses.

  • 6. 
    After a long day at work, you settle in to watch...
    • A. 

      Jersey Shore, Keeping Up With the Kardashians; anything involving spring break

    • B. 

      Portlandia on the Internet, because I don’t have a television

    • C. 

      Reruns of devotionals on KBYU

    • D. 

      Project Runway, Real Housewives

    • E. 

      Nobody Knows: the Untold Story of Black Mormons

    • F. 

      Romantic comedies and Jane Austen spinoffs, while loudly wondering why I can’t meet my own Mr. Darcy

    • G. 

      Documentary about Romanian street children, which spikes my awareness quotient through the roof

    • H. 

      Sponge Bob (I lost control of the remote years ago)

    • I. 

      Ummm… all of those Priesthood session talks… those were about me.

    • J. 

      Sister Wives. Brotha Kody, you da man!

  • 7. 
    You could be overheard saying
    • A. 

      "Did you hear that loser just tell me that my face reminded him of the leather tannery that he visited in Morocco?"

    • B. 

      A quote from Arrested Development or an indie band

    • C. 

      "Did you know that you could be with your family forever (to a Pakistani taxi driver, a Starbucks clerk and your child’s teacher)?"

    • D. 

      "She says that she wears a size 2, but everyone knows that she is really a 6."

    • E. 

      (In hushed tones) "What if Marlin Jensen were the next prophet?"

    • F. 

      "There are so many awesome girls in this ward who never get asked out on dates."

    • G. 

      "I am so passionate about ending torture"

    • H. 

      "I’ve told you three times to get off that computer and come to family prayer!"

    • I. 

      "I can’t date girls my own age, because I don’t want Down syndrome babies."

    • J. 

      "If I have to go to one more parent/ teacher conference…"

  • 8. 
     People who haven’t seen you for a while often say…
    • A. 

      "Did you just get back from the Bahamas?"

    • B. 

      "We missed you at Bikram on Saturday!"

    • C. 

      "That picture of your family in the Ensign was just darling!"

    • D. 

      "Girl, why don’t your eyebrows move anymore?"

    • E. 

      "They haven’t excommunicated you yet?"

    • F. 

      "Have you ever thought about trying online dating?"

    • G. 

      "Saw you on tv the other day. Isn’t it uncomfortable to tie yourself to an oil rig?"

    • H. 

      "Wow! That’s enough for a baseball team!"

    • I. 

      "If you don’t have an illegitimate child soon, people are going to start thinking that you are gay."

    • J. 

      "Who is this new, young thing?"

  • 9. 
    The art of seduction consists of…
    • A. 

      Two words: Duck Beach (east coast singles beach fornication fest that keeps the bishops busy for months afterwards)

    • B. 

      Making a mix CD of undiscovered bands

    • C. 

      Men: Always having custody of the ward safe walk cell phone Women: Baking copious amounts of cookies

    • D. 

      Sitting in the Tanner Building (BYU business building) with a prom ‘do and accidently dropping a book at the feet of an MBA student

    • E. 

      Long, nervously executed metaphysical monologue, while casually working in a reference to high SAT scores

    • F. 

      Calling dibs on the hottest guy in the ward while ignoring everyone in your league. After this strategy fails for ten years, you finally meet Fluffy, a Persian with a heart of gold.

    • G. 

      Climbing into an occupy tent

    • H. 

      N/A It has consequences that we couldn’t even imagine when we decided that we could only stand a two-month engagement. Maybe once no one is afraid of the dark…

    • I. 

      Impressing coeds with my pest control gig

    • J. 

      Leafing through a catalogue of teens

  • 10. 
    The bumper sticker on your car reads…
    • A. 

      Gold’s Gym

    • B. 

      CTR, B*tches

    • C. 

      Yes On Prop 8 or Mitt 2012

    • D. 

      I’m An 8 Cow Wife

    • E. 

      Faith Seeking Understanding

    • F. 

      National Bar Association

    • G. 

      Free Mumia

    • H. 

      Decal with two parents and seven kids. We are 32

    • I. 

      World of Warcraft Champion 2011

    • J. 

      Utah: One Big Happy Family… Really

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