Asshole Test: Am I An Asshole?

Honk the horn repeatedly until they speed up.

Swear and flip them off, hoping they will see you in their mirror.

Pass them and then take off like a bat out of hell.

Pass them while honking the horn and yelling obscenities at them.

Pass them and then slow down in front of them.

Nothing, you are not in a hurry anyway, just enjoying the scenery.

Follow them until they stop, kidnap and kill them, then eat the bodies.

People, the other white meat.

Minions are useful. I like minions.

You are surrounded by idiots.

You have a lot of acquaintances, but no really close friends.

As long as alcohol is involved, everyone is your friend.

You have a small group of people you consider to be good friends and a lot of acquaintances.

Those who are less intelligent will be enslaved, those who are equally intelligent you will keep around to procreate with, and there is no one smarter than you.

You don’t trust others, and they really shouldn’t trust you.

You trust people until they give you a reason to not trust you anymore.

Trust needs to be earned.

Go ahead and trust me, you will change your mind when you wake up in a tub of ice and missing a kidney.

You trust no one. You like your kidneys where they are

You like to make people trust you. It is more fun that way when you violate that trust on purpose.

You are worthy of everyone’s trust. You consider it a sacred vow that you will never violate.

The world would be a better place if we all expressed how we felt.

You only share your true feelings with your spouse/mate or a really good friend if you have been drinking.

You had your tear ducts surgically removed.

Feelings require having a heart – something you do not possess.

You share your feelings with your therapist only – that is what you are paying them for.

You feel like shaving your neighbor's dog and duct-taping its naked body to the wall.

It is only appropriate for grown men to cry in public if they have suffered massive head trauma or their favorite team has won/lost the Super Bowl.

You refuse to admit it until there is undeniable proof.

You are the kind of stand-up person who is comfortable admitting when you are wrong.

The moot question, you never have been, and never will be wrong.

You blame it on someone else, or you insist that you heard the question wrong.

Define “wrong."

You usually are wrong to the point people assume anything you say is incorrect.

Those who have accused you of being wrong were killed, and you use their intestines as shoelaces for your superhero costume.

You like knock-knock jokes.

Your jokes and teasing can get a bit nasty at times, but you have to admit, they are pretty funny.

Nothing is sacred. You can, and have, made jokes at funerals.

The point of most of your jokes is to make others cry or feel bad about themselves.

You think mailing people an animal head is a great joke.

Why did God give women 2 holes? So you can carry them home like a six-pack.

You change the ethnicity of people in racist jokes depending on what race you are talking to.

If you pay, you expect the other person to put out.

As long as there are not too many, maggots you don’t see why homonecrobestality should be illegal.

No sex until at least the third date.

It’s only cheating if you get caught.

As long as your spouse/partner says it’s okay for you to fuck someone else.

The more, the merrier.

You are saving yourself until marriage.

You have lied about a death in the family to get out of work or helping someone move.

You enjoy lobbing "innocent" comments during meetings that serve no purpose other than to humiliate or cause discomfort to the person on the receiving end.

You find it useful to glare at, insult, and even occasionally holler at some of the idiots at your workplace – otherwise, they never seem to shape up.

As long as you are doing it in the privacy of your own dungeon, it is none of anyone’s business what you do to the sheep.

Treat people how you would like to be treated because karma is a bitch.

Treat people the way they treat you.

You try to be nice at all times. You never know when your smile will make someone’s day.

When people see you, they run away screaming something about you being the one on the news.

You have the feeling that people are always very careful about what they say around you, and they are usually hesitant to share personal information with you.

Usually with a smile and a nod.

People often seem to react to your arrival by announcing that they have to leave.

Strangers will often approach you for help.

You notice that people seem to avoid eye contact when they talk to you – and they often become very nervous.

High fives and handshakes all around, you are just that damn cool.

I would call him names. Nobody has ever heard.

I will break his face.

I will make faces to tease him/her.

I will leave the party.

I will pour coffee over him.

I will ignore it.